Dear Grayce,
I’ve recently been ghosted by someone I considered a friend, confusing me. One day, we were texting and making plans, and the next, they stopped responding entirely. I’ve tried reaching out several times, but it’s been radio silence. This isn’t the first time I’ve been ghosted. Why is ghosting becoming so common? Is it a reflection of the digital age? Most importantly, how can I heal from the rejection and rebuild my confidence to trust others again?
—Ghosted & Gutted
On several occasions in my adult life, I’ve chosen to step away from friendships that no longer served me. While some might label it “ghosting,” for me, it was about protecting my peace and mental health. Ghosting is often seen as a modern phenomenon, a product of the digital age—but the reasons behind it usually run deeper. It’s about boundaries, trust, and the values we uphold in our relationships.
I prefer to call it “quiet quitting,” an intentional act of self-preservation. It’s about recognizing when a relationship has become toxic, one-sided, or no longer mutually beneficial. This doesn’t require dramatics or even closure—sometimes, the healthiest path is simply walking away. Closure is often sought but isn’t always necessary; after all, not every relationship can end neatly tied up with understanding and acceptance. When the other person cannot or will not see your perspective, striving for closure might reopen wounds rather than heal them.
By quietly stepping away, you create space for relationships that honor your mental health and emotional intelligence. The act itself isn’t about avoiding conflict; it’s about prioritizing your well-being. When a connection no longer contributes positively to your life, letting go without explanation can be a powerful form of self-care. The method isn’t without challenges, but it aligns with the reality that sometimes, the best resolution is no resolution.
When Protecting Peace Becomes Necessary
One instance involved a longtime media colleague who crossed a line by putting me on speakerphone with her podcast producer friend. The call quickly spiraled into chaos, and her tone became abrasive, demeaning, and really bizarre. I felt disrespected and unvalued, so I decided to stop speaking with her.
When her husband overstepped and reached out via social media to ask why I had distanced myself, it reaffirmed that I had made the right choice. I chose not to respond to him and deleted her and her husband from my social media.
Was this ghosting? By some definitions. But for me, it was about setting a boundary and prioritizing my mental health. This was not about cutting someone off but about empowering a clear declaration of the kind of connections I wanted and was a step towards regaining control over my emotional well-being.
Maya Angelou wisely said, “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” Recognizing disrespect and choosing to move on is not a sign of weakness; it is a testament to self-respect and strength. This realization can boost your confidence in your decisions and reaffirm your self-worth.
Trust Betrayed—A Painful End to a Friendship
Another friendship ended when a friend who was struggling with severe mental health challenges betrayed my trust by sharing private details about my life with others. For quite a few years, I had been supportive and empathetic, but this breach hurt deeply and left me feeling stuck in a toxic dynamic. Stepping away felt like the only way to move forward.
Last year, I saw her at a farmer’s market. She seemed happy and well, and I genuinely felt joy for her. I hugged her and told her so. That moment reminded me that while the friendship had ended, my care for her remained. Ending a relationship doesn’t erase the love or compassion we feel for someone—it simply means we’re choosing to honor our needs.
Boundaries and Misaligned Values
Another situation involved a former friend who seemed to thrive on drama. On several occasions, she openly admitted to “loving drama and competition” with other women—a mindset fundamentally at odds with my values. I pride myself on being a supportive and generous friend, and her behavior triggered my PTSD from a few past abusive intimate relationships.
At the time, she was dealing with serious family health issues, and I made a concerted effort to support her. I referred clients to her, helped during times of crisis, and even extended support when her daughters faced significant health challenges. I also offered her my Midwest space for weekend getaways when I was out of town, striving to be there for her during a difficult period.
Despite all of this, the friendship often felt one-sided, and her passive-aggressive tendencies became increasingly difficult to ignore. The breaking point came in the fall of 2023 when I kindly explained that a visit wasn’t ideal for me. In response, she sent a Halloween card that started sweet but ended with thinly veiled hostility. That moment solidified my decision to end the friendship, and I felt a profound sense of relief and freedom after making that choice.
As Eleanor Roosevelt cleverly surmised, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” When disrespect becomes the norm, stepping away can be the healthiest and most empowering decision.
A Friendship Turned Sour
Another instance involved a shiny new friend. When she faced a tough year with job losses, I empathized and offered to help her pack before moving out of state for a new job. She texted me before the agreed day, asking, “Would you be opposed to helping me move my light furniture?” I specified that I could assist with light items and referred her to several affordable movers. However, when she picked me up in a U-Haul van and we arrived at her place, it became clear she wanted help moving heavy furniture like buffets and entertainment centers while insisting the heavy furniture was “light.”
I kindly expressed my displeasure, reminding her this wasn’t what we agreed to. She called me a “prissy little bitch,” which I initially thought was directed at her cat. Realizing it was meant for me, I could have walked away then and there. Instead, I stayed, made light of the situation by joking about my bad ankle (accurate) and age (though I exaggerated), and helped her with two loads of heavy items. Later, she bought us burgers and drinks.
Despite my bruises lasting for weeks, I met her for dinner before she left town, paid for my meal and drinks, and even gifted her a handcrafted bracelet as a parting gesture.
Today, I have no interest in continuing dialogue because of her blatant disrespect. This experience highlighted the work I must do ON MYSELF regarding boundaries—an ongoing and lifelong process.
Redefining Forgiveness
I value relationships built on trust, kindness, and mutual respect. When someone’s actions disrupt my peace or bring negativity, I’ve learned stepping back is okay. This isn’t about harboring resentment but prioritizing my well-being and staying aligned with the energy I want.
Over time, I’ve realized that moving forward isn’t always about “forgiveness” in the traditional sense. I don’t need to forgive someone else to heal. I need to forgive myself for allowing misaligned, one-sided friendships into my life, staying too long in spaces that didn’t honor me, and tolerating behaviors that didn’t align with my values. This self-compassion is a key part of the healing process.
In this sense, forgiveness is an act of self-compassion. It means recognizing our worth and choosing relationships that reflect and respect it. By forgiving ourselves, we free up emotional space for the connections that truly matter. This understanding can help you be more compassionate towards yourself in your lifetime healing journey
Why Ghosting Feels So Common Today
Ghosting often gets a bad reputation, especially in the age of social media and instant communication. The New York Times has explored this phenomenon, pointing out that “ghosting can sometimes be a symptom of our fast-paced, digital world” (Catherine Pearson). But for many, it’s not about avoiding difficult conversations. It’s about recognizing when a relationship is no longer healthy or fulfilling and stepping away quietly rather than engaging in potentially toxic exchanges.
In my experiences, ghosting was less about abruptly cutting someone off and more about consciously removing myself from dynamics that were no longer serving me. It’s not an easy choice and rarely made without significant thought. For many of us, ghosting is about self-preservation, not coldness or indifference.
Navigating Ghosting with Compassion
Feeling hurt and confused is natural if a friend or partner has ghosted you. It’s important to remember that someone else’s decision to step away often says more about their needs and boundaries than it does about your worth. In these moments, focusing on self-care and self-reflection can be helpful. Engaging in activities that bring you joy and spending time with supportive friends can help you navigate these difficult emotions.
Likewise, if you’ve ghosted someone, ask yourself why. Were you protecting your peace? Setting a boundary? Or avoiding a tough conversation? Understanding your motivations can help you navigate relationships with greater clarity and intention.
Relationships thrive when built on mutual respect, trust, and shared values. When those elements are missing, stepping away—even if labeled ghosting—might be the most loving thing you can do for yourself and the other person.
Moving Forward
Healthy relationships require effort, communication, and a willingness to address conflicts. But they also require alignment with our values, needs, and well-being. When a relationship no longer reflects those things, choosing to step away isn’t an act of cruelty; it’s an act of self-love.
By prioritizing our peace, forgiving ourselves, and embracing relationships rooted in kindness and respect, we create space for the connections that enrich our lives. And that, in the end, is what we ALL deserve.
Grayce
